April 28, 2008 at 5:19 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Week 2
Thankfully I was able to get a good nights sleep last night and I woke up this morning feeling much better. R was up around 11:30 fussing with a huge molar that is about to break the gum line. My poor babe. But she was quickly put out of her misery with some tylenol, and I was able to get back to sleep rather quickly.
I am finding that I am a bit irritated in general today. I’m not sure if it is hormonally driven or it the ribavarin is rearing its ugly chemical head. I have a meds appointment tomorrow, and I am looking forward to talking about my medication options with her. The ativan is not enough to help me deal with anxiety and the sleep issues. I took a clonopin last night to help me sleep, and I am finding that it is by far the best med to help bring me down from the ribavarin.. I hope that this doc is amenable to hearing me out about this – I really don’t have the energy to fight for it. But, I will if I have to.
So other than dealing with some grumpiness today, I feel pretty good considering.
Leave a Comment
April 27, 2008 at 9:53 pm (At the beginning, Uncategorized)
Tags: Ill
After feeling so incredibly fine yesterday, I woke up today feeling absolutely wretched. My period showed up a day early, and upon rising, I had cramps of the sort that I have not had since high school. The kind that knock the wind out of you, making you feel like curling up into a ball of agony. It was horrible. I stumbled downstairs to get myself some coffee, and after I poured my cup, everything went black. I remember just being pulled up the stairs by C and M, lying on the bed trying not to puke. I was in a cold sweat and the world was spinning. My poor M was horrified to see her mother in such a state, (more on this is a minute) and did all that she could to make me feel better. I was surrounded by stuffed animals in the blink of an eye, and she sat there patting my arm telling me I would be ok. My little child is a little grownup in so many ways. Thankfully I was able to get some motrin down, along with some mint tea and orange juice, and I was finally felt a bit better.
The worst part was that my dad was coming to spend some time with us, and here it was that I couldn’t get out of bed. Of course he was sweet and played with the girls despite my absence. It was nice to see him, but I hated to see the concern that shadowed his face every time he looked at me. He left after a few hours and was incredibly sweet.
When I finally really started to feel better late afternoon, I had this wave of depression hit me. I cried because I seriously do not want my almost 4 year old to have to witness something like she did today. I did talk to her about how it must have been scary for her. And then I told her how proud I am of her. She is truly an exceptional child in every way, and I am so amazed at how grownup she seems sometimes. I just want her to be alright through all of this!
And then there is my sweet boy. He took very good care of me this morning when I felt so poorly.
I’m starting to recognize my mantra of how lucky I am…it’s true and beautiful.
Leave a Comment
April 26, 2008 at 2:49 pm (At the beginning)
Tags: Emotional
This song got me through high school. I found myself watching it last night and crying and crying. I’m not sure why it hit me so hard. I’m not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that – I just cannot believe how much Mike Ness’ words resonate with me still.
I remember sitting on my bed in my parents house just sobbing as I listened to this song, wishing that my life were not so hard. God being a teenager really was terrible.
I suppose that last night, part of me was crying for the girl I was then, and part of me was crying for the woman I am now. I have had such an amazingly intense life – so much of it full of pain and tears. But the past 12 years or so have been the most amazing years, and I finally feel like I can let go of that sad girl of my youth.
Going through treatment again is bringing up all sorts of old stuff, just as I had suspected it would. But I feel strong and prepared to deal with it as it arises.
I am strong. I am not alone. I have a beautiful family. I have the most amazing friends.
But mostly, I love myself, and I am worth fighting for.
Leave a Comment
April 25, 2008 at 10:09 pm (At the beginning)
Tags: Universal Smooches
I was just in the kitchen cooking dinner for the girls, and the song Ball and Chain by Social D came on the radio. Now Social D has always been a favorite band of mine, with memories going back to high school. I seriously adore the band and I’ve seen them live at least 3 times. Somehow, the lyrics to this song struck me tonight right in the solar plexus. These especially:
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I’m sick and I’m tired
And I can’t take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I threw R on my back and M and I danced around the kitchen, singing to it at top volume. R laughed on my back, and M grabbed onto the back of my skirt, and we just danced and danced. Of course it left me feeling totally shitty, but I didn’t care. I reveled in being able to dance around, thinking of how important these memories are for my babes. They will most likely always remember our dance parties that we have always had at dinner time. I really hope they won’t remember a time that I couldn’t dance.
And it felt like a gift from the Universe to hear these lyrics. This is how I feel about my hep c. It has been my ball and chain for so many years, and I feel as if I have been running away for so long. But is has been this thing, hanging over my existence, making my various travels through the medical community a pain in the ass.
Memories of putting M to the breast after giving birth to her, despite the asshole OB turning on me in the delivery room and telling the nurses to not let me breastfeed. The memory of having to fight to be able to give birth to R at the midwifery center at the last minute because they all of a sudden ‘weren’t sure’ about my hep c. Flat out discrimination is what this has been.
I’m done. This is it, you damn virus. GET OUT.
Nothing like a bit of indignation to carry me into my second shot. Heh.
For posterity:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cf6k4yJyv0
Leave a Comment
April 25, 2008 at 6:19 pm (At the beginning)
Tags: Second Shot
Tonight I will do my second injection. I’m excited and nervous all over again. Ha.
This week has not been too bad since I posted about that eye tick that I was feeling. It passed and I was able to quit stressing out about it. I continued to feel some serious nausea all week until I finally thought about it and bought some Bonine. It is amazing how much better is is making me feel! I take it with each dose of the ribavarin and it mitigates the nausea almost immediately. I hope that it will work as well for any after effects i will feel from my interferon shot.
I am feeling a lot of tiredness, but it is manageable and I’m allowing myself to rest as much as I can. The anti-nausea medicine also has allowed me to get up and take care of things around the house. I need to do this! I cannot just sit here and watch my house fall apart around me. I’m still doing some yoga, energy willing. I took yesterday off because I had been up since 5:15 with the babes and I was tired. Tonight I will make myself do some whether I want to or not. Not sure if I will do it before or after the shot…interesting to think about it.
I already look like death warmed over. I am going to have to drop my vanity for the next year, I suppose. I’m just one of the people who shows illness in the eyes immediately. The dark circles are as bad as I remember them being last year during Colic Fest ‘07. Heh. I wandered around in public looking like death then too. Eh, I’ll just wear my glasses if it gets too bad.
Leave a Comment
April 22, 2008 at 2:59 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Side Effects
I have this eye tick that is kind of freaking me out. It feels like an average eye tick that one sometimes gets – the only thing is that it is not visible to the eye. It comes and goes and it does seem to be a bit emotionally driven. I’m about to do some serious PMS’ing, and I have been extra anxious during this time for months now.
I’m wondering if it is connected to the ribavarin, as it has definitely amped me up a lot. I’m really not enjoying this aspect of the drug. It’s making it really hard to settle down for the night. I turn out the light because my poor boy is exhausted and needs to sleep. I usually lie there for at least 45 minutes, staring at the darkness, trying to meditate myself to sleep. I plan on talking with my meds doc tomorrow about my options for controlling this new anxiety and my issues with sleep.
And, I’m noticing that my sense of taste has already been altered a bit. I mean, I ate Ramen last night and it did not taste as yummy as usual. This sucks on so many levels because Ramen is my ultimate comfort food! I’m hoping it was just a fluke and I intend on checking it out again this afternoon.
I just did some yoga and I was terribly nauseous by the time I was done. I’m tired of the nausea already – I just may ask for something for it if it continues in this vein.
Off to try to eat something with the hope of feeling better.
Leave a Comment
April 21, 2008 at 12:48 pm (Uncategorized)
It was really hard to get out of bed today. I did one of those open the eyes, peep at the clock, think about getting up, and roll over and go back to sleep things. It was 8:20 by the time I had hauled my butt out of bed! I did wake up to find that my baby girl was still asleep too. This is called busy sleeping in our house, so R and i were given some guff about sleeping in. 
Later in the Day: I felt much better as the day progressed and I was able to get out to the grocery store. It felt really good to do something normal, and my energy prevailed throughout the whole trip. Once I had the groceries, I pretty much collapsed.
I did my yoga in the evening and noticed that my strength has already diminished. This is kind of frustrating, but I am trying to not beat myself up and just go with it.
M came over to see us and it was lovely having some company. I am finding that late afternoon tends to be a bit rough for me. I am definitely noticing that my blood sugar is all over the place, and that I do need to eat every few hours. So I did feel a bit gross while she was here. I was able to do some yoga and then I called it a night.
Leave a Comment
April 20, 2008 at 1:05 pm (Uncategorized)
Today finds me with some aches and pains that are a bit annoying but manageable. My back hurts right in the center of my spine – almost kind of like it’s been wrenched a bit. I just took some motrin and my ribivarin for the day – we’ll see how it goes. I did look it up, and back pain is a pretty common side effect. I am also finding that it is getting harder to fall asleep at night. What a ridiculous side effect considering that sleep is the best cure for what ails me. Gah.
I have to call in to the doctor’s office tomorrow to report what kind of side effects that I am experiencing. I’ll be interested to hear what they suggest to manage these things. I don’t want to be taking pain relievers all day! I hope to do some yoga here shortly with hopes that my back will feel better.
All in all, it’s not terrible. Cautiously hopeful would be the best way to describe how I am feeling.
Leave a Comment
April 20, 2008 at 1:08 am (Uncategorized)
Today has been a extremely long day- it started at 6:15 with M crawling in bed with me and waking me up. I crawled out of bed cautiously and noticed that I was still cold. I woke up at 12:30 in the morning when I heard this weird noise. It took me a moment to figure out that it was my jaw popping and that I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep due to having a serious case of the chills. I was freezing and the body aches were monumental. Thankfully I was able to take a few Tylenol and a relaxant to help me go back to sleep. It was not fun, but I survived.
So when I woke up this morning still feeling cold, I was a bit worried. I then noticed that I felt amazingly well considering how horrible I had felt in the middle of the night. I was able to eat a pancake breakfast that my sweet boy made, and spend some time with my family. Then I had to hurry up and get ready because R and E were on their way to trek us up to Northern Maryland to have an acupuncture session. It was an hour and a half drive, but I enjoyed talking with two of my favorite people for the trip.
The acupuncture session was phenomenal. The acupuncturist was sweet and gentle and she was aware of what I am going through. It was weird to go into the almost trance-like state that I did, but I was very nice and i was able to concentrate on chilling myself out. I did some chakra work with some imagery that I am pretty happy about. It was a very neat situation, as all 4 of us (E had met us there) had our treatment at the same time. The energy that we all share is lovely and even the acupuncturist commented on it.
I really do have the best friends – E and R managed to arrange for the acupuncture, to include a ride to and from the session. Of course E came along because he is an honorary EG. And my boy was amazing enough to take care of the babes all day so I could go and get this done.
My main side effect from the interferon seems to be nausea. It’s almost like an early pregnancy nausea in as much that it seems to be driven by blood sugar. If I keep nibbling at food all day, it seems to abate some.
I’m quite pleased with my response thus far – here’s to the next few weeks continuing in the same vein.
Leave a Comment
April 19, 2008 at 1:32 am (Uncategorized)
My daughter is upstairs screaming and pounding on the floor calling for me. Even though I know that these types of tantrums are normal for kids her age, it still pains me to see her so upset and irrational.
I took my first shot of interferon and also my first doses of the ribirvarin. Other than feeling vaguely nauseous about an hour after my shot, I feel alright. I really want to go to bed but M is up there being hysterical, and I cannot be in the next room without wanting to go comfort her. I hate this. I feel as if I have failed her in some way – how neurotic is this?
Leave a Comment
