Week #11

June 29, 2008 at 7:46 pm (Family, Treatment)

I did my 11th injection Friday night! One more down, and ever so much closer to success.

Last week’s shot was hard on me. Saturday was not too rough, but come Sunday, every bone in my body ached. My energy level was not up to par until Wednesday or so. The worst part was that the interferon seemed to pick another place in my body to harass each day. One day it was my knee caps, the next my elbows, and then finally my lower spine. It was not too much fun.

So come Friday, I was nervous about how my shot was going to affect me. I woke up yesterday achy and tired. I had to keep a steady dose of acetaminophen going in order to be able to function. Today I feel better – here’s to it continuing this way.

I’ve not been on the computer too much this past week. My beloved HP decided it doesn’t want to hold a charge, and the fan was overheating again – so back to Best Buy it went for rehab. I’m trying not to be bitter about it, but I am extremely frustrated with my luck with computers. This laptop was purchased in February, and this will be the second time it has been back for repair. At least the girls and I will be out of town for the two weeks that they said it would take to repair.

We are leaving on Monday to go to Georgia for two weeks, and I’ve so much to do! Packing for the three of us for two weeks takes a lot of planning, and I’m a bit nervous about getting it all done. The trip includes a 10 hour car ride – so this must be planned for as well. Thank goodness for portable DVD players and a sister who has raised two children of her own. She understands what traveling with small children entails.

My husband is going to have two weeks on his own. I imagine that the first week will be a nice break for him, and that he will begin to miss us by the second. I know that I will be anxious to get home myself. I don’t like being away from him for that long, and the girls are going to miss their daddy.

By the time I return, I will be on shot number 14. I will be going for my 3 month pcr check mid July – I am so excited to see the absence of any viral load!

Leave a Comment

Week #10

June 20, 2008 at 7:39 pm (Treatment)
Tags:

One more down!

Tonight was the first time that my big girl witnessed me giving myself the shot. My boy was out, so there really was no way around it. There is just no way to keep an inquisitive almost 4 year old away when you really need them to scram. She was amazingly okay with it all. She asked a few questions, but she was more concerned about whether or not I was going to use her Scooby bandaids! We had another discussion about how the medicine is going into my body and giving my mean old virus a knuckle sandwich. She found it hilarious that there are warring factions in her mamma’s body. Indeed.

In a way I am happy that she knows about the shot aspect of it. I mean, it is going to be a part of our lives for a bit, so she may as well not be fearful of it. The sharps container is bright red and awfully neat looking to her – so we had another conversation about transmission and universal precautions. Who knows what she understood – but it would have been remiss of me not to speak of it.

This week I have suffered mouth ulcers and a very painful right ear. The ulcers are very far back in my mouth, by my tonsils, and on the roof of my mouth. I think that I may possibly have ulcers in my ear canal as well. I am going to have to make an appointment with my Primary so that we can see exactly what is going on here. If it is going to happen weekly, I must figure out what it is and how to treat it. I suffered all week and it was no fun.

I need to note for posterity that after doing my shot tonight, my mouth almost immediately broke out in ulcers and my ear (which had finally quit hurting) flared right back up. It’s curious, but it is most likely due to my immune system being suppressed by the interferon.

I’m off to do some reiki with hopes of alleviating these symptoms.

5 Comments

Another Year

June 19, 2008 at 5:51 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags:

How can it be that I am 36 years old today? Here it is – I really must acknowledge that I am sliding into middle age. How odd and surreal.

I remember when birthdays were exciting and something to anticipate. Now, it’s just another year that flew by and a few more wrinkles. How sad that the older we get, that the urge to celebrate our birth fades. I must think on this and get back to truly celebrating another year on Earth.

My personal goals for this year are vast. I need to go about figuring out where I stand in this great big old cosmos. I feel my life goals shifting and changing, and I am excited. But this means continuing to work on myself. I want to be the best parent and wife possible. But most of all, I want to live. Really live. No more fear of what may be. Just taking each day as the gift that it is.

This is me choosing to live the rest of my life in the moment. The past no longer has a hold on my future. I will start tomorrow, the second day of my 36th year, even more determined to create my own reality.

This year is full of potential, I can feel it in my bones.

“With the realization of ones own potential and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of ones own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama

1 Comment

2 Month Checkup

June 18, 2008 at 7:01 pm (Lab Results)

I met with my doctor today for the first time since I’ve started treatment. As I was getting ready for my appointment, I looked in the mirror and caught a glimpse of what a healthy me looks like. I have color in my cheeks and my eyes are brighter than they have been in a long while.

I remember how the doc had told me (more than a few times) during our first appointment of just how sick I was going to become. He was right – it has been a tough road. My ass has been kicked many times over by these drugs, but I am learning more about these poisons as each day passes. I am sure that the next 40 weeks will hold many surprises and ups and downs – but I am not afraid.

Today I was able to walk into his office looking better than I have in a long time. He was pleased by my weight and progress. My numbers indicate that the drugs are indeed kicking some hepatitis virus ass. He even said that he would not be surprised if I showed up undetectable when we check at 12 weeks. He then cautioned me about getting too excited if this does happen. Sustained viral response (SVR) can only be achieved when you have cleared the virus for 6 months after treatment. I assured him that I have complete confidence that the drugs are working, and anything other than a SVR just isn’t going to happen. He laughed at my bravado, and said that my attitude alone gives him a lot of confidence. It was a good appointment, and I walked out there even more determined to kick this virus’ ass.

And my lab results did indeed come back looking better than they were two weeks ago. I am excited to see a positive trend here! I will continue to visualize happy, fluffy red blood cells that are full of oxygen. My white blood cell count is a bit pesky; but I am working on them. I posted my new labs over in the side bar for reference.

My reiki practice continues to grow every day. The hour or so that I spend self-treating every night has become my favorite part of the day. I’ve never been able to meditate too well, but I am learning slowly how to quiet my mind. Focusing on my body and the flow of reiki puts me into a beautifully relaxed state. Could it be that I just may finally be able to meditate after trying for so many years?

I will close this post by reiterating this. I am not afraid.

4 Comments

Changes

June 14, 2008 at 7:38 pm (Good Day, Treatment)
Tags:

Hrm, I think that this journal is going to become a reiki journal in conjunction with journaling about my treatment. I don’t think that I am capable of it being any other way. I’m in a brand new place emotionally, energetically, and physically. And being that this journal is about my treatment, and reiki will now be an integral part of it, it only seems right to include it.

It’s so amazing to me; I knew, but I didn’t know what I knew. There has always been something out there that I have been looking for. Learning to self heal has changed me irrevocably. My life now has a new path that includes a proactive, spiritually enhancing thing!

I suppose I am all starry eyed. How often does one truly find what they are looking for? It is so similar to how I felt when I realized that being a mamma was an important part of my path. Amazed! Excited! In awe. Scared. But strangely content and assured that it is as it should be.

I feel the energy running in me, around me, and through me. I wake up every day feeling as if I have the best present to unwrap. I cannot believe that this gift is not going anywhere. I will have it forever, and what I do with it will affect my existence. And those around me will also be affected positively. This just has to be one of the most exciting aspects for me.

I can finally heal! And I can do so in a manner that will not drain me, but that will instead enrich my existence as I receive the reiki energy back. I’m just in awe.

How can I ever begin to thank my dear friend who gifted me this attunement? How can I begin to explain?

I will be calling her this week – but something tells me that she just may already know.

2 Comments

Plague

June 13, 2008 at 1:15 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags:

The household plague has jumped me after all. I woke up yesterday feeling as if my sinuses were gripped in a vise and my energy level was down again. I spent most of the day in the easy chair, trying to work on myself with some reiki. My boy was sweet and took care of M so I could take myself off to bed early. I did reiki on myself for about an hour last night, and I was able to get a good night’s sleep.

I woke up today with it in my lungs. This is not good – I have an unfortunate history with pneumonia and lung issues. It’s that familiar consumptive feeling – fainty and breathless as I go about my business. I will have to pay very close attention to my lungs over the next few days. I really, really don’t want to end up with pneumonia. I will be staying very close to home for the next few weeks, hoping to avoid any more germs.

I do my 9th injection tonight. I have hopes that the interferon will get in there and help me kick this crud.

My family is recovering slowly. M has a bit of a cough still, but otherwise, she seems fine. C is still not feeling too great. This is unusual for him, he has a strong immune system and can usually fight off things quickly. This worries me – if I do indeed have the same thing, it could be really bad. I intend on doing my shot and going straight to bed again tonight.

Tomorrow I must get up and get my labs drawn, regardless of how I feel. I never leave home without my hand sanitizer, but I do hate going into places like that when I am already ill.

I have my 2 month appointment with my GI doc next week, and I want to have all of the necessary data. I still have high hopes that my lab results are going to come back looking better.

Leave a Comment

Rumination

June 11, 2008 at 7:02 pm (Family)
Tags:

Today is my wonderful husband’s birthday. We are officially sliding into middle age together. Heh. I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that we are both on the downside of our 30’s! Neither of us feel our age, and he certainly does not look his. I could have passed for younger before having two babies in rapid succession. Ah well, so worth it.

Last night I marveled at the fact that we have spent the past 10 years together. It has gone by so quickly in some ways, and in others, it feels like another lifetime when we began dating. I was 26 and he was 27! That seems so incredibly young now. So naive and unknowing of what responsibility is really about.

We have survived so many trials together. This new trial – my treatment – is one that will shape all of us. I know this. We are undergoing treatment as a family ultimately.

I want my husband to be able to look back upon this time and remember the incredible love in our house. Despite how difficult things have been, and most likely will continue to be, I want him to remember…

The way his baby girl cries when he leaves the room. How she will grasp him about his legs, begging to be picked up. R in all of her glory, waddling around the living room, as she begins to walk. And how could he forget her fierce screams that bring all of us to quick attention?

The way that M remembers everything that he tells her when they are in the garden. M in her wellies, harassing the chickens in the back yard. The way that she reflects his own heritage back at him with her beautiful brown eyes. And the pancake breakfasts that have become a tradition of theirs, with M eating half of her body weight in bacon.

I want him to remember that despite how difficult life has been at times, he has never failed to be a wonderful father.

I will remember the mornings that he rolled out of the bed, muttering, “It’s time to go make the donuts”. The darkness outside speaking to how early it is. How he continues to take such good care of his family, even when it’s discouraging, and the work to money ratio just doesn’t match up. The feeling of security that he brings me. Our love.

I look forward to many more years together. It truly has been a grand adventure.

1 Comment

Reiki I, 3 days later

June 10, 2008 at 7:04 pm (Family, Treatment)
Tags:

My reiki attunement continues to change and evolve day by day. It would be remiss of me not to mention how I have changed physically and emotionally over the past few days.

First, I must mention that my energy level has improved exponentially. The dark circles under my eyes have finally let up a bit. Now I just look like the mother of two, instead of a chronically ill person. I can walk up the stairs without feeling as if I am about to keel over. I can put my children to bed without wanting to crawl in the bed with them.

Emotionally, I feel a lot more positive. Just having a tool in which I can help myself is tremendous. Having a chronic illness can take so much power from you. This has been very empowering for me.

But most importantly, I was able to help two family members over the past few days. I came home on Saturday to a very ill husband – by Sunday, he was willing to let me give him a reiki treatment. He is a classic skeptic, but was feeling so terrible, that he was willing to try. He reported feeling a bit dizzy, but better. I’ve done a few more since Sunday, and he has reported feeling relaxed and better each time. I call that a success.

Then my big girl went and stepped on something nasty Sunday afternoon. She came screaming into the house in agony, her poor foot already beginning to swell. I couldn’t find any sign of a stinger, and the marks on her foot were of a sort that I have never seen. They looked a bit like white spots under the skin and were causing her extreme pain. I treated it with baking soda and ice, and hoped that it wasn’t anything serious. As she sat there with ice on it, I treated the foot with some reiki, hoping to help even just a bit. She went to bed in pain and looking very ill.

At 1:30 I heard her in the bathroom crying hysterically. I go in and her foot is crazy swollen. She is obviously running a very high fever. It turned out to be 102.5, and my poor babe was miserable. After dosing her up with some pain reliever, she came and slept in our bed for the remainder of the night. Monday morning brought an even sicker M. Her fever raged despite dosing her with various fever reducers. Her foot continued to look angrier and angrier throughout the day.

The once white dots under the skin were now purple. It looked as if whatever bit/stung her did so at least 10 times. We were scared out of our wits and we almost went to the ER more than a few times. I called her pediatrician’s office, but they couldn’t get her in until 5. To their credit, they talked to us off and on all day about her condition.

I continued to do reiki on her swollen and angry foot throughout the day. By about 3:30 in the afternoon, her foot looked a bit better, even though her fever was scary high. By the time C got her to the doctor’s, her fever was up to 103.7! The doctor could not figure out what had bitten her either. He just recommended that we continue to treat the fever and bring her back if her foot got worse. He also wondered if she had not come down with the virus that R and C had. A virus coupled with those bites would certainly put her poor immune system into overdrive.

She woke up today with a fever of 101, but she seems to feel much better. She’s able to put pressure on her foot without crying. And just like a typical child, she ran around all day as if yesterday had not happened. Ah, the joy of youthful recovery.

It’s been a busy few days here! I’m trying my best to fight off whatever icky virus this is by giving myself reiki treatments at least twice a day. I feel alright, but I can feel that something is trying to jump me. But I will not go down without a fight!

I go to get my 8 week labs done on Friday. I have a theory that my labs are going to look better. Wouldn’t that be something else?

2 Comments

Reiki I Attunement

June 8, 2008 at 12:44 pm (Good Day)
Tags:

Yesterday was amazing. I have never in my life felt such tangible proof of something that cannot be seen by the visible eye. My Reiki I attunement will be remembered as one of the most spiritual experiences that I have ever had. The attunement itself is not religious at all. There is nothing taught or expressed that implies that it is anything but tapping into the natural flow of the universe. My wonderful teacher agreed that I obviously have been practicing some sort of energy healing already. Now, it’s just amplified and focused in a way that I am only beginning to understand.

I’ve always been a disbeliever of things that I cannot touch. Religion and ‘just having faith’ – not concepts that have ever really been easy for me to wrap my brain around. The teachings from yesterday just solidified my long held feelings that there is an universal positive energy. It feels as if I am finally able to feel what I always knew in my heart was there. Some people call it God. Some people call it Buddha. Others will call it Vishnu. It feels like a bit of freedom. Now, I am no religious convert; but I am certainly a lot more clear about what I know is out there.

I do believe that the path to getting certified in Reiki is one that I have been walking on for a long time now. Ten years ago, I really wanted to become a massage therapist. Everything about it appealed to me at that time. I then watched two of my friends go through training and I saw how extremely taxing it is energetically. Knowing that I had hepatitis c, I realized that being a massage therapist would be too draining for me. It was brought home even more so when C and I were on our honeymoon, and I received a terrible and unenergetic massage. I knew at that moment that I would end up giving bad massages eventually if I chose that path. It takes a special person to be able to massage others as a career.

So I found myself once again casting about as to exactly what kind of healing arts I should be practicing. Then I became a mother, and it was my first glimpse into what I’m ’supposed’ to do. Being a mother is about the most divine and healing thing I’ve ever done. But as my babies have grown, I’ve found myself wondering what I will do once they go to school.

After having a doula in attendance at M’s birth, I looked into becoming one. She was absolutely amazing, and briefly, it seemed like a good path for me. Unfortunately, my hepatitis makes that a no go too. I am a liability; with my blood born disease and all. No rightful insurance company would cover me. There are all sorts of reasons energetically as to why this would not work for me either. One birth can last up to two days, and I cannot imagine leaving my family for that long. And how taxing would that be??

I am going to settle into this attunement over the next few months. In the mean time, I will heal myself, my family, and anyone else who requests it. If all goes as I imagine that it will, I will go on to my Reiki II attunement in about 3 months. Once I’ve done this, Reiki III is a logical next step. I can see myself doing this for a living. I can see that this just may be what I have been searching for.

Mostly, I am open to all possibilities.

6 Comments

Shot number 8

June 6, 2008 at 7:17 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags:

One more big old proverbial red X on the calendar. This shot was done without any drama, and I’m happy to report that I remembered to pull the plunger back.

I had to look at this journal today to remember what number this was! Hello, brain fog. It kind of feels like having fuzz on my brain, and I don’t like it. I really don’t want to imagine what 40 more weeks of what my chemically suppressed brain is going to be like. This is a avenue of thought that I cannot and I will not allow myself to go down. La, la, la, la…moving along.

Tomorrow I’m going to get my Reiki I attunement. I’m really excited. It can be said that am interested in anything that will help my body heal, but this is the fruition of a long held wish of mine. I’ve always been very energetic, and I can honestly say that I’ve been doing some sort of reiki on myself and my children for a long time. Nights spent walking and rocking a wailing, colicky child will lead to all sorts of creative calming methods. I can still calm M down by imagining a spiral above her head, releasing her anxiety and allowing her to breathe. She is quite familiar with my methods, and she will perform them on herself when in duress. It will be interesting when she goes to school and tries to visibly calm someones energy down by laying her hands on them. I suppose I better help her with boundaries before we send her out into the world. Heh.

So tomorrow I will go and actually learn how to focus and properly channel my energy. I’m also going to spend the day with some of my favorite people, and I will get to see a dear old friend for the first time in a long time. It’s a bit of a long way, and I’m a bit worried about the energy I will have to expend to get there. Thankfully R and E are willing to drive us from their house, so my actual driving is cut down by about an hour. It will be a long day, but oh so worth it.

It looks as if the girls and I will be traveling south to spend some time with my sister and her family. My dear boy needs a bit of a break, and the girls and I could use a change of scenery. I have two fabulous nephews that adore the girls, and they have not seen them since last November. This could be a lovely trip and I have high hopes of getting some much needed rest. Heck, just sleeping past 8 would be really exciting.

My extended family continues to rally around me. As each week passes by, and I find myself a bit more weary, they are consistently supportive and available. They call, they support, and they listen. I don’t know what I’d do if I were in this alone. Thank goodness I am not.

It will be interesting to see what my labs look like next week. I’ve been annoyingly out of breath, and if I stand up to quick, the world goes wonky on me. This is all normal stuff while undergoing treatment, but it is still frustrating.

I’m ready for tomorrow. I can feel my optimism fading a bit, and this is not welcome. A positive reminder of what my body and I are capable of doing is exactly what I need.

1 Comment

« Older entries