Week #19

August 29, 2008 at 9:35 am (Insomnia, Treatment)
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This week’s side effects have been particularly nasty. I must admit that I am a bit afraid of what the next 6 months will bring me physically. Last Friday’s shot woke me up at 2:30 in the morning, with what felt like a searing pain up and down my spine, all they way into my toes. Nueropathy would be the technical term, I do believe. Saturday brought much the same, but it was bearable with acetaminophen.

It got a bit better every day as the week progressed, but by the end of each day this week, my lower back was in agony. I’m just not sure how many pain relievers I can chew on before my stomach revolts.Thanks be tot he gods for heating pads!

Yesterday the pain travelled into my neck and settled at the base of my skull. It’s a bit like electrical shocks throughout my spinal column – and I can’t turn my head without wanting to cry.

So I finally put a call into my doctor this morning. I’m still waiting to hear back, but I have self-medicated with half of a muscle relaxer, because this is just ridiculous. I remember a bit of this from my last bought with treatment – a rheumatoid arthritis NSAID did the trick then. So I intend on begging my doc to prescribe this for me so that I can make it through tonight’s shot.

Emotionally, the pain is tiring. But I think that my mood is as good as it can be, considering my current situation. I also had the addition of my cycle this week to contend with – which just may be what has caused all of these muscular issues. Who knows?

My husband has been my rock. He did say at one point this week (after a Really Long Day) that he too is counting the weeks until my last shot. It broke my heart a bit to hear that because it’s telling of how truly exhausted he is too. I worry about him. I worry about the next 6 months. But mostly, I just cannot wait until February 27th to arrive. There will be much rejoicing.

Because this shit is hard.

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4 Month Check Up

August 21, 2008 at 2:25 pm (Uncategorized)

My appointment today went very well and my GI doc is happy with my progress. My labs continue to look low, but he can see that I am obviously tolerating being anemic without it affecting my day to day life drastically. I suppose that I am used to be anemic at this point. I’m cold, I’m breathless, and I’m just tired. It’s just par for the course as I go through this process.

He did recommend that I add an iron supplement, just to see if it helps me even just a little bit. Anecdotally; iron supplements while on treatment have not shown to make much of a difference. But what have I got to loose by adding another supplement to my already full supplement diet? I stopped at the health food store and picked up some more wheat grass too.

He was concerned about my weight loss, as I knew he would be. I clocked in at 127 lbs. today – bringing me down 10 pounds over the past two months. I explained our household plague, and my lack of appetite that seems to ebb and flow after I do my injection. I also related to him that I am one of those people who can drop 5 pounds in a few days when I am unwell, only to turn around and pick them back up with some concentrated eating. I really have not had much of an appetite – which is frustrating because I know how important it is to eat well while on treatment. I’ll figure it out.

I am officially exhausted. This is something that I have to accept and contend with. I am at the point where my weekends are just a wash, and any planning seems scary and overwhelming. The way that I feel can change from hour to hour – making it extremely difficult to gauge my energy for any given event. Some days I can run around and get work done around the house without feeling like I am about to keel over. God how I love those days! Other days I want to cry at the mere thought of walking my child up the stairs.

This is my mini kvetch. I have to remind myself constantly – THIS IS HARD! I’m not lazy. I’m on chemo. Such simple concepts that my prideful self seems to have difficulty with.

My boy is in town working today, and I am already trying to figure out what I can feed my girls that will take the least energy. How can I make my 4 year old happy from my armchair? What can I do to entertain my rambunctious 18 month old? Gah, will they remember the mamma that sat on her arse all of the time?

Wow, I do believe that I am a bit blue Mostly, I’m tired.

New lab results posted on the sidebar.

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Long couple of weeks

August 20, 2008 at 6:24 pm (Family, Treatment)
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The plague continue to harass my household – I do believe that we are just passing it back and forth at this point. Tomorrow I go to war with all door knobs, shared surfaces, and linens. We are all so weary of being ill. I have dealt with more of my children’s bodily functions than I wish to think about for a very long time. Enough about that.

I have sought refuge in crochet and putting my feet up in my boy’s easy chair. I can tell that my wbc count must be cruddy. It feels as if every time I leave my house that I am entering a great big petri dish. I went through a fast food drive through the other day (out of desperation) , and the attendant obviously was ill with a cold. It was all that I could do not to refuse the food that she proffered. Where is my bubble already? My eldest is getting ready to start pre-k and we are Doomed!

I’m off tomorrow for my 4 month check-up with my GI doc. I’m anxious about my weight as the past few weeks have obviously not been too kind to my GI tract. I hope that he understands any weight loss and does not try to reduce my dose.

My shots are starting to kick my ass. I don’t know if its been the addition of the household plague, or if they are just increasingly getting harder for my body to tolerate. I do shot number 19 on Friday! Unreal.

I’m off to get some rest, my appointment is very early tomorrow morning.

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Week #18

August 15, 2008 at 7:45 pm (Treatment)
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One more down the hatch! I’ve got 30 shots left…which seems interminable, but doable at the same time. This week has been a long one – lots of illness and babies needing their mamma more than usual.

I’m off to go *THUD* now.

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Of illness and crafts

August 14, 2008 at 7:21 am (Family, Treatment)
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This week has been one of sickness and crafts. Both my children and myself have suffered a rather annoying and lingering stomach virus all week. My poor children are more than a bit stir crazy and frustrated with not feeling well. My poor husband has made dinner for us all every night, supporting us in any way that he can, as we all loll about feeling ill. I love him so.

I’ve coped by sitting in my easy chair and encouraging my brain to grasp the concepts of crochet. I’m proud to report that I’ve conquered 3 major stitches, I can end my work, and that I can turn my work without it looking like a cat got into it. I’m confident that within the next few months that I will be better at this, and I have good intentions of trying to make xmas gifts. I am on the lookout for some ergonomic crochet hooks, as I can already tell that I just may be crippled by November.

I’m so excited to be able to finally sit down and teach M how to do this – I give myself about another 2 weeks, and we will give it a shot.

I have skipped having my blood work done due to illness – but this will be remedied by tomorrow. My doctor’s office hasn’t called to complain, so I’m not going to worry about it.

I find it hard to believe that I will be taking my 18th injection tomorrow. Just amazing!

Onward and forward!

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Week #17

August 10, 2008 at 7:51 am (Family, Treatment)
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Friday night I injected shot number 17. Shot number 17!

I remember when it sounded exciting to say shot number 4, even. I’ve been a bit sick this past week with a touch of a cold, so I’ve just been taking it easy. I was actually happy to take my injection, with the typical hopes that it would clear whatever leftover creepy crawlies were in my system. Ah, the joys of antiviral drugs and interferon that pushes the immune system to work harder. My mother, who had attended M’s party, ended up terribly ill and on antibiotics. So….um, yay for evil poisons!

My eldest child woke up feeling very much like an adolescent yesterday; and by 10 AM, we had had a HUGE temper tantrum to contend with. This culminated with her slamming a door in my face and giving me a bloody lip. Egads, she is fierce. My Leo baby is so intense, and she just burns with it some days. I can sit back and see her pushing herself into an out of control place, and the look in her eyes somewhat begs that I please help her stop. But, she is off -  and we are all destined to play out her angst with her. A nap and some time in her room helped things out exponentially.

M received one of those awesome potholder looms from her Nana for a her birthday, and I have since fallen in love with it. In helping her figure it out, I found myself drawn to create. Now, I have never really been a crafty kind of person. Actually, I have always considered my self a bit slow in that department.I had to go out and buy myself my own loom, being that my 4 year old was a bit put out with her mamma hogging her birthday gift. Hee hee.

Something has opened up in me. I found this beautiful video on Youtube that illustrated weaving with yarn on a potholder loom, thus making these beautiful squares that you could eventually make an afghan with.I made my first square Friday night, and I do believe I have a new obsession. You edge these with a crochet link, so I figured I should work on learning crochet.

I spent about 10 hours yesterday trying very hard to teach myself to crochet. I get so frustrated, because my brain is just not built that way. I can’t envision why this stitch should go this way, and how in the heck do these things end up looking like a scarf? Eh, it’s a new challenge and I’m actually quite excited about it.

The weekends can be hard for me – and sometimes I have no other option but to be still. I’m excited to have something to do besides type away on this computer. It’s also nice to look forward to teaching my children a craft – assuming I figure it out. I have these nice visions of sitting by the fire this winter, working on handmade xmas gifts.

I can feel my creative brain unfurling. I do believe this is yet another wonderful benefit of my reiki attunement. Actually, I am sure of it!

Today I will drag my unsuspecting family to the craft store for more yarn and supplies. Bwahahahah.

Don’t you just love it when you have a new project??

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So poignant

August 4, 2008 at 5:07 pm (Family)
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I’ve been crying for the past two days…. mostly tears of happiness. But also tears of amazement as I watch my eldest child evolve in front of my eyes. She turned 4 today, and a bit of my heart broke a bit as I watched my baby slip away. She is now a big girl. No really, she tells me more than a few times a day, just in case I’ve forgotten. She’s as smart as a whip, and doesn’t have much patience for her mamma’s sentimentality. So, I sniffle and smile, and I allow myself to relish in the beauty that is my child.

We celebrated with friends and family yesterday, and she was showered with more presents than a 4 year old could ever need. She had 3 out of 4 grandparents in attendance, which does not happen very often. My mother spent about 12 hours to get here so that she could attend her grand baby’s party. Such determination!

Her sweet God(dess) Parents attended, making it the 4th year in a row that they have been present to help us celebrate her birthday. Heck, they were there for her birth! R, is my birthing guide and strength. And she and her boy are my best friends in the world. I am so pleased and grateful that my girls will have them as constants in their lives. I love them so.

So when an amazing box of of dress up clothing was received from her Auntie R and Uncle E, it just confirmed that M and R have the best GP’s. My girls are so lucky.

It was lovely, and I am really pleased that she had such a good day.

Her Nanna, Papa, Daddy and I took M to a local tea house where we all enjoyed High Tea. It was such a nice way to culminate her Princess weekend.

And now, she is officially spoiled rotten. The deprogramming shall commence tomorrow once I’ve regained some strength. Heh.

I have to admit that I am exhausted beyond belief. But hey, I did shot number 16 this past Friday. Woot!

Off to collapse now.

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