September 29, 2008 at 5:01 pm (Uncategorized)
Oh, and I forgot to mention that my labs are improving. You can definitely tell when I am unwell by my wbc, and my hemoglobin. There was the Month of the Stomach Plague at the beginning of September, and you can see that in my numbers. I was quite pleased with last week’s results.
New labs posted on sidebar.
September 29, 2008 at 3:31 pm (Lab Results, The other side, Treatment)
It’s all downhill from here.
But in a good way! Next week I will take my 25th injection, and the light at the end of the tunnel will be ever so much brighter. I’ve been taking things week by week for so long. I’ve truly had weeks where I had to look in my paper journal to remember what week I was on. Not anymore. No, not anymore.
This week’s shot was not too terrible, but I sure wish the interferon would leave my feet alone. I crawl out of bed, and can quite literally feel every bone in my toes. My ankles feel like someone came along during the night and bashed them with a stick. What an odd side effect, if I must say so myself. Not as many neuro issues this weekend, which is a pleasant and welcome change.
My favorite month of the year is upon us. October is significant to me for so many reasons. Let’s see….my boy and I started dating in October of 1998, we bought our house in October of 2002, and we were married in October of 2003. And if my calculations are correct, M was conceived in October as well. I do believe that October has claimed me as her own.
So it makes complete sense to me that I am taking my 25th shot the first week of October. The synchronicity is both pleasing and comforting. It feels right. It feels as if the cycles of my life are truly in tune with one another.
I love this time of the year. M is finally big enough to experience the joy of dressing up – and I intend on actually making most of her costume! I see a pumpkin patch in our future, some apple cider, and happy babies jumping in piles of leaves.
Bring it on, October.
September 25, 2008 at 6:04 pm (Family)
Tags: Life's Beauty
Today was a bit difficult for my 4 year old and I. I had one of those parenting moments of just loosing my cool, and well, acting like a kid myself. I hate these moments, as they show me how quickly one can loose their temper with your child.
We had been going around in circles about what she was to wear to school, and I had reached my limit. I don’t care if she doesn’t match. I don’t care if she wants to wear a funky scarf. I’m all for self expression. I do care if she tries to leave the house not properly insulated. It was rainy, 60 degrees, and with 20 mph winds here today. So no, you cannot wear a short sleeved shirt. And yes, you must wear socks with your shoes! GAH! And stop fussing at me about it!
Then she looked at me, and said, “Mommy, why are you being so mean to me?” My heart broke a little. And I was vividly reminded that I gave birth to a very sensitive little girl. Words hurt. Mommies running around in a huff are scary. And she’s only 4. And I sometimes forget this because she is so wise for her age.
I immediately stopped and apologized for loosing my temper. I explained to her that I’m tired, and this argument over clothing is just a bit much for me. Even mammas have bad days. She said, “Don’t cry, mamma. I’ll wear what you want me to.” (And yes, my heart broke even more)
Somehow we made it out the door without any more tears. I spent the rest of the afternoon consoling a teething, overtired baby, and shed a few more tears myself.
Just as C was getting ready to put M to bed a few moments ago, I pulled her up on my lap, and I again apologized for loosing my temper. She gave me a big kiss and whispered (a modified version) the last line out of one of our favorite books, On the Day You Were Born. It was, “I’m so glad you’re here.” The true line being, “We’re so glad you’ve come!”
I cried a bit more, and she then leaned over and hugged me and whispered, “I love you like crazycakes.”
It is truly a blessing to be her mother.
September 25, 2008 at 6:50 am (Treatment, crochet)
It’s amazing at how quickly time can fly when I’m working on a crochet project. On the days that I am really hurting, it’s invaluable. I’m so excited and proud of myself for pushing through my, “I am not a crafty person” blockage. M and I have already come up with her Halloween costume and I am….actually making a part of it. If you had told me this last year, I would have called you crazy.
Here are a few things I’m working on.
This little flower was so easy, and M loved it so much that I may have to make a whole bunch of them and string them together for a scarf. They also make good coasters!
This is the by-product of my first two weeks of crocheting. It was to be a afghan, but I kept dropping stitches and it turned into a scarf. Heh, that seems to be the end result for my projects gone wrong.
On a treatment note; this Friday I do my 24TH SHOT! Before I know it, Thanksgiving will pass by, then Christmas. And then finally, 2 weeks after Valentine’s Day, I will be DONE!
We may be drowning in yarn, though. 
September 20, 2008 at 10:06 pm (Insomnia, Treatment, crochet)
I know that tomorrow could be difficult and I should be asleep. But I am overtired and not so willing to give up my ‘me’ time.
Today I experienced more neuro issues – the ‘brain shake’ and vertigo came and went all day. It’s so disconcerting to randomly loose your balance. And one is not always in the best of places to do so either.
My boy rallied today and took good care of all of us, as per usual. The girls are both going through a developmental push and refusing to nap. Can you say, super tired parents? M was in our room at 6 AM, ready to get our day started. R is still suffering from a terribly stopped up nose, so she was up super early too. :THUD:
Why am I awake? I’ve been obsessing over this crochet pattern for two days now. I’m almost done after pulling it out about 3 times. I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to even put stitches together! Here is a pic of the beginning circle – 
It’s a bit maddening, but I had to take a break from the afghans I’ve been working on.
Alright….must go try to sleep. I’m proud to say that I have only had to use a sleeping pill once over the past 10 days.
Edited to add the finished product. I’m reallly just all sorts of proud of myself.
September 16, 2008 at 6:34 pm (Family, Treatment)
Last Friday’s shot was not too rough, I am happy to report. I think that it is too easy to fall into the trap of not being active enough when I don’t feel well. I always, always feel so much better when I make myself get up and move around!
M started coming down with a cold on Thursday, leading to a long and tiring night of trying to help her feel better. By Friday, she was a mess and ran a temperature up to 104 degrees at one point. Thank goodness for modern medicine and antibacterial hand solution! Then R started grousing Saturday night, letting me know that she was next. She woke up Sunday morning in fine spirits, but I could tell by the purple circles under her eyes that she was on her way. Ah the joys of adjusting to preschool.
I woke up Sunday feeling as if I had been run over by a bus. Seriously – this whole spinal pain deal is wicked. C wanted to take the girls to the county fair, and I spent a few minutes feeling a bit blue that I could not go. As I watched them get ready, I decided that I was not going to just sit around and not enjoy my family. Even if I was miserable, I knew we could get back home relatively fast.
As it were, the temps here were god awful, and we all were only able to tolerate it for a few hours. But much fun was had by all. I was again reminded that I don’t need to stop living because of this treatment. No, I don’t need to push myself physically – but sometime there are some psychological issues wrapped up in my desire to be still as well. I know myself all so well, and I know how I can talk myself out of something. My bargaining unit has been been hard at work for years. Funny how often we can be our own worst enemies. Long winded way of saying that I am pleased with myself for getting out and having a lovely day with my family.
I heard news of a dear family member’s passing on Sunday morning. I am sad that the world can no longer claim her, but I am also happy for her because she lived a full and long life, and she was ready to go.
She was a neat lady and she touched my life with kindness. I have wonderful vacation memories of she and my grandfather driving down the road singing together. I will cherish these forever. She really loved him and he her. As a kid I remember being amazed at how much they just enjoyed one another. I wanted that kind of love when I grew up! I can honestly say that I have found my mate in my boy, and I can now look back at them with even more amazement.
It’s a bit of an end of an era for her to pass away. My grandfather has been gone for many years, but in a way, she carried his memory on for all of us. She took wonderful care of him during the last years of his life and I’ve always been so grateful to her for this. I am reminded of his death with her passing, and wow how I miss him.
I spoke with my grandmother’s daughter today, and she expressed her sadness that I am going through what I am. I tried assuage her fears by telling her of how much of a transformation this whole process has been for me.
I have found myself saying to more than a few people lately that this treatment feels like a love letter to my body. What an odd turn of phrase to describe it – but it feels true. This is me finally treating my body with the love and care that it has needed (and deserved) for so long. This treatment is an inconvenience, not a death sentence. It’s hard, but I am able to do it. I am so amazed at the deep resources of strength that the human spirit is capable of. I look forward to helping my children understand that they can survive anything.
I remember after giving birth to M that I was amazed that I was able to do it. I had it in my mind that I would somehow give up at some point and need a section. I even said so to my mother-in-law and she was surprised.
Perseverance is something that I have struggled with all of my life. I’m a chronic procrastinator. I have set myself up for failure more times than I can even begin to tell of. I never did as well in school as I could have, and I spent a lot of time wandering around trying to figure it all out.
And then I had children. Ha, I had two colicky children! I learned a lot about myself during those long and dark months.
I am a fighter and I am a survivor. All of those years of putting myself down for being ‘broken’….and here I am feeling more whole than I ever have. I have learned that if you have the right person at your side, even the worst of the worst can be made bearable.
September 10, 2008 at 5:59 pm (Fear, Treatment)
Tags: Week #21
My computer died again Saturday night. This is starting to get a bit Monty Python-esque, these computers issues of mine. I will say that I’ve spent these past few days crocheting madly (so much so that I am in pain), and the break has been nice.
I did my 21st shot on Friday, and it did it’s usual magic of helping my body get rid of the ickies. All hail the great interferon for pushing my immune system to behave!
I woke up Saturday morning without power, and the weather did prove to be fierce at times. It was not so bad, and the power was up and running by 2:00 that day.
I rested a lot and tried to eat as much as possible. The shots are really starting to affect me as early as Saturday morning, what with the bone aches and the general malaise. Getting out of bed literally takes some serious will power! Today is Wednesday and my bone aches were just as bad today as they were on Sunday. What does this mean? I’m nervous and a bit worried that I will be crippled by February.
I noticed on Sunday that my hair is coming out in clumps. How cavalier I was when it was just a bit. I have to admit that my vanity is speaking to me a bit, and I am going to have to figure out what to do if it continues to thin out this much. As it is now; it just looks thinner and anyone but me wouldn’t even notice the change. But I do have 6 more months left – what will be left of my hair if it continues to fall out this way?
Wow, this post is turning into a fear-fest. I suppose it’s good to get it out and not just let it roll around in my brain pan.
My family came home early Monday, and wow, how nice it is to see ones babies and spouse after 4 days. M started back to school and the babe and I have just been enjoying our time together. My boy continues to be wonderfully sweet and supportive, and is working his butt off on various projects.
I am unsure as to how much I will be online over the next few weeks. I do think we are going to be demanding that they replace this cursed computer. Wish me luck with that, eh?
I must end with something positive. I cannot have this post hanging about if I don’t get online for a while!
I have the best mate in the world. My children are thriving and just getting to be more amazing every day. And I only have 6 more months left of this treatment. I AM ALIVE!
September 5, 2008 at 5:19 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: Again, Ill, Week #21
Well, here it is the night of my 21st shot and I’m ill. Again. I woke up this morning with yet another stomach bug. I am so weary of being ill. I am worried about my continuing weight loss as a result of these gastric issues.
I can take the medication side effects, and the inconveniences that come with them. But the constant barrage of viral ickies that I seem to be fighting is exhausting. I am very fearful as to how I am going to survive M’s exposure (and thus mine) to all the germs out there in the pre-k world. I take another shot tonight and my immune system will take yet another hit – and then M goes back to school on Monday. I find myself feeling a bit OCD about my hand washing and the anti-bacterial hand stuff – but what else can I do?
My family went to go visit my in-laws down south today. I won’t be seeing them until Monday morning. As much as I wanted to go, I know that I just need to be still and in my own space. Putting my babies in the car, not being able to hug them, fearing that I would make them ill, was terrible. It just broke my heart. I don’t like my family traveling without me. My heart is figuratively traveling around out there! I will spend some time tonight trying to quell my anxiety over this.
I just forced myself to eat in preparation for my shot. Food tastes terrible. My stomach is so empty that everything that goes in it just burns. Thankfully I do remember this from early treatment, and I know that a dose of alka seltzer will take care of it. I do have the luxury of sleeping in a bit tomorrow. I hope. My two big old dogs generally make their presence known pretty early in the morning. We’ll see.
The weather in this area is going to get fierce tomorrow. I am gearing up as much as I can in case the power goes out. We are on well water, so I go without if the power is out. I’ve filled up pitchers, prepared a cooler for my interferon, and have candles and matches ready. Not sure what else I can do! I really, really hope that we don’t loose power. Even as an adult woman, I hate being alone in the house when that happens.
Tonight, I will work on the blanket I just started for my sweet boy. And then off to do some serious reiki upon myself. It’s been a long while since I have given myself a whole body treatment. Too long.
I will make sure to really take this weekend alone to pamper my poor body. I have some Lush bath bombs that my Mom picked up, and I have a plethora of happy tummy teas to enjoy.
I sure hope tonight’s shot kicks this bug out of my system.
September 1, 2008 at 6:58 am (Family, Treatment)
Tags: M - Pre-K
This weekend has not been half as difficult as last weekend was, thank the stars. I woke up on Saturday, a bit logy but minus the terrible spine pain that had plaugued me last week. We had some dear ones visit us, which always makes things better. My sweet R created this incredible soup full of cabbage and other fortifying veggies – so good! And she and my boy both made homemade bread to boot. I am truly lucky to have such people in my life.
My amazing 4 year old starts pre-k tomorrow. Just typing that sentence out makes me want to sob a bit. On one hand, I am so excited for her because this is exactly what my babe needs. On the other hand , it’s scary as hell to release her out to the world at such a tender age. I mean, her feelings are going to get hurt. She’s going to find out that the world is full of not so nice people, and I won’t be able to protect her all of the time. Damn, this is hard.
I know this is the way that things go, and as her mamma, my job is to prepare her and support her as she is exposed to the big world out there. There is no doubt in my mind that she is going to flourish, she is so smart and ready to learn in a controlled environment. I met her pre-k teacher last week, and she seems like a lovely person. And I suppose I’ll be ok, eventually. *SOB*
The interferon is turning out to be a formidable foe as the weeks progress. Today I got out of bed and every single toe on my feet hurt! I said to my husband that I am starting to have this humorous inner-dialog along the lines of; “Today’s Interferon is brought to you from your BIG TOE!” Audience clap ensues, “Raahhhhh!”.
He looked at me a bit funny and I informed him that at this point, my humor is going to be the only thing that will pull me through the hard days over these next 6 months or so. And why yes, I did watch a lot of Sesame Street growing up, thank you very much.
I am terribly worried about my dear Uncle who lives outside of New Orleans, as they get ready to get hit by this storm. Katrina decimated his life in so many ways; to include his property, his health, and eventually, his wife.
My Aunt got very ill after the cleanup – with doctor’s concluding that the incredible stress had just been too much for her body. She died within a year of Katrina of a very fast moving auto-immune disease. I was pregnant with R at the time, and very much unable to help them in any way. The rapidness of her disease and the shock of her loss still takes my breath away today. I was not able to attend her funeral, and I’m still mourning her loss intensely. R was given her middle name, with this being the best thing that I could think of doing to honor her life. She was an amazing woman.
So when I see the reports of this upcoming storm, my grief rises to the surface, and I am reminded of how quickly one can leave this earth. I will be spending a lot of energy today thinking of my Uncle as he buckles down and waits out what is to come. We did speak with him yesterday, and he is as prepared as he can be. Please protect him, oh dear Universe. He has been through so much.
On a treatment note; I am almost half way through. Unbelievable. Onward and forward.
