Heart Breaking

January 18, 2009 at 5:03 pm (Family, Treatment)
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My dear, sweet cat Isabella was diagnosed with mid-stage kidney failure this past week.

She was my first baby. She came to me when she was only 5 weeks old. She was the runt of her litter and she couldn’t get to her mamma to eat. She crawled right into my lap and I knew she was to be mine. I carried her around in a backpack as I travelled back and forth to my boy’s house when we were dating. I never knew I was a cat person until her.

She is a special cat; she has 12 toes and is what is known as a Hemingway cat. My boy has always joked that she is a bit inbred, but he secretly loves her too.

When M was born she drifted away from me; as animals are wont to do when a baby arrives. She went from being by my side all night, to being relegated to the downstairs with the other dreaded animals. But this was so good for her! She went from being my lap kitty to this outgoing and social cat. It was a good thing. Life hasn’t been too bad for her, despite the small children kissing on her and grabbing her tail.

A week ago she had a stroke. I have never seen something as terrible as my poor girl with her head cocked to the side, and her nose being positioned oddly on her face. I swooped her up and did a whole bunch of reiki, put her on a heating pad, and tried to make her as comfortable as possible.

We isolated her the next day in our room, and she seemed to improve. Her head tilt was gone (all praise reiki!), and she just seemed really tired. Then the next day the incontinence started. My very prideful girl just couldn’t get up, and I do believe she had another stroke that day.

The next day it was obvious that she had weakness in her back legs and on her left side. I cried all morning as I tried to find a vet to take her. Our wonderful neighbor referred us to her vet, and he saw her that night. We took her back on Wednesday for a hospital stay so that they could run all the tests that were needed. I crocheted her a lovey the night before, and slept with it so she could have something in her cage that reminded her of home.

The next day we found out that she is very sick. She obviously has had a stroke, and is in the mid-stage of renal failure. I asked the vet straight up whether or not her quality of life was compromised, and he said no. She is not in pain, and other than being really weak, she’s alright. He feels that if we get her potassium up, her energy will return.

So we are treating the potassium depletion that comes with renal failure. She’s on an antibiotic, and oddly enough; a cancer drug that stimulates her appetite. I told her that if her hair starts falling out, that I am going to think that she being all “Single White Female” on me. Hee hee.

She seems to be improving, albeit slowly. I just want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible during her twilight years. She has been such a sweet and noble beastie. She deserves to be treated like the queen that she is.

I think that my heart will break when it comes time to put her down.

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I’ve lost count. :)

January 16, 2009 at 9:59 pm (Treatment)
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Goodbye shot whatever you are!

I cut my hair this week and it was so liberating. I feel as if it’s a good way to celebrate myself. I will continue to take care of myself – despite the damned interferon and ribavarin.

And short hair always makes me feel like a wee pixie, and I feel so much younger. Yeah. It was a good thing to do.

Onward and forward!

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Hair?

January 10, 2009 at 9:40 am (Treatment)
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When my hair started to shed at first, I was all bravado, and not too concerned. A few weeks before Christmas I went and got a haircut, and my stylist agreed that my hair is indeed becoming very, very thin. Which is just so weird for me because I have always had a very thick head of hair. Crazy thick, actually.

So we cut it a bit, giving it some layers, and it looked much better. For about a week.

As I stood in the shower yesterday (gently) washing my hair, I watched two big hand fulls worth go swirling down the drain. I sat down in the shower and cried. I know it’s just hair, and I know it will grow back….but damn, I never imagined that it would fall out so much. I had read that interferon can ‘thin’ your hair out….ha!

So I need to just get it cut and be done with it. Part of me feels like a stubborn 16 year old, and is wailing “I don’t wanna!” But my husband admitted to me yesterday that it looks really thin, and that he thinks I should just chop it for my sanity’s sake.

So here I am trying to figure out what I should do with it. Right now it is at my shoulders, with a shorter layer cut in front at my chin. It looks a bit like a wispy helmet at this point. I’ve had a much beloved pixie cut, but I was much younger and not afraid to show my whole face. I’ve also sported the angled bob for more years than I can count, and I’m tired of it. I’m trying to figure out if I should do a gradual cutting off of the hair – i.e. cut it ear length and see how thin it looks – or if I should just go ahead and get the pixie cut. I love a good pixie, but they are high maintenance, and such a pain to grow out.

Gah, all this angst over my hair seems so very shallow. But if I’m going to do another 6 months – something has to be done. I think that I may look back at this post and laugh at the silliness of it. But for now; I am going to allow myself grieve a bit.

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Week #36

January 7, 2009 at 11:11 am (Treatment)
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Christmas is over, and my house feels a bit like a balloon that has had all of the air let out of it. How amazing it is that a house can be chock full of people one moment, and so very quiet the next.

Our holiday has been absolutely wonderful.  I was quite sad to see our family depart over the past few days.  At one point, we were sleeping 11 people in various parts of our house. Meals were mini parties, and the food and drink flowed with the laughter. I’m amazed each and every year by my husband’s family. It’s so amazing to see a whole bunch of people who truly and genuinely like one another.

My children were showered with so much affection and attention. My big girl reigned supreme. She was completely in her element, being that she was surrounded by many admirers at all times. R was a bit overwhelmed xmas morning, but she too thrived from all of the constant love and attention.

My eldest BIL A brought his delightful girlfriend to meet the whole clan. She was absolutely sweet (and brave!), and  I do believe that we all fell a bit in love with her capricious spirit by the end of the week. My children would run to her with open arms when she would enter the room, and cried terribly when she left. She is a professional photographer, so our holiday was well documented to say the least. I am so excited to see the pictures. Uncle A is the best uncle ever, and he too had two little girls clinging upon him at all times.

My youngest BIL brought his sweet, down to earth girlfriend with him as well. She is a gentle soul who seems to compliment my BIL in all the best ways. She played with the girls, scratched kitties necks, and drank beer with the boys. Just the type of gal my BIL needs. She too was a doll with my children, helping whenever it was needed.

It’s so nice to see both brothers happy.

My MIL and FIL showed up and took over all preparations for the feast(s). My MIL is a dynamic woman who cannot sit still. She went through a bottle of 32 load laundry detergent over the 6 days she was here! She is amazing and a force unto herself. She did everything possible to make things as easy for me as she could. I love her so. My FIL is so dear to my children. M has him wrapped around her pinky, and he just loves it. I count my blessings every day that my boy’s parents are such amazing people. I love my family so much!

They have truly taught me how to enjoy Christmas in a new way. It’s such a jovial and relaxed experience, and I find myself just sitting back in awe watching it all go on around me. Every year I feel a bit more healed emotionally. This is what it’s supposed to be like.

I had my endoscopy on the 22nd – not the most pleasant experience, but not the worst either. I reacted poorly to the demerol that they give you for the ‘twilight’ sleep, and spent 2 hours vomiting post procedure. BUT! My liver looked normal! They did not find any fluid in my abdomen (which is a very bad sign when you have liver disease), and my esophagus looked normal too. He did find a small ulcer – but hey, after two colicky children and the stress of our lives, I wasn’t surprised.

I came home that night, and my MIL had made a lovely pot of stew for us.   It was so comforting to walk into my home, which was already full of so much love and warmth. I felt terrible, but after a few glasses of cola, I was able to eat. I was totally fine by the next day, and our holiday kicked into high gear.

I have a follow up appointment with my doc on the 19th to discuss what our options are. I think that it is safe to say that my boy and I have concluded that I should just go ahead and do the additional 6 months. Getting rid of this bugger has been the goal all along, and we are in it for the long haul. I want to be done with this disease, I’ve got so much living to do!

We are nervous, and my husband is as weary as I am….but there is just so much to gain by taking this chance. We will be changing some things around our house. We will be getting help around the house thanks to my FIL offering to pay my dear neighbor to come clean and do some laundry. I need to make some changes in my habits, i.e. more exercise and more fresh air. I do think that I have fallen into a bit of a funk this fall, and I need to make a concentrated effort to get off of  my sofa and LIVE. It’s too easy to let the malaise sneak in and wrap itself around you.

Not anymore. I’m even more determined now, and it’s been such a lovely dose of hope to have switched doctors. I can do this. We can do this.

So there you have it. Onward and forward, as always.

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