Dóchas

I just did my 47th injection. 47!! Next Friday would have been the end of my treatment had I stayed with my old doc. I’m not sad at all. I’m amazed and proud as hell that we have made it this far. Today finds me feeling so much healthier (oddly enough) than I felt 10 months ago. I’m going to list some of my thoughts about my  treatment thus far for posterity.

• My liver is no longer sick.  I know this to be true, and I can feel it deep down in my bones that this virus will stay away once my treatment is over.
• I have been virus-free since July of last year – which is just amazing to me! On this note; I cannot believe that I lived for so long with a sick liver. Yes, it was sicker at some times than others, but still, I was always fighting the virus.
• I’ve lost 20 pounds over the past 10 months. A slow trickle of weight falling off of my bones that kind of made itself very much known over the past few months. I look in the mirror and I can see a shadow of the old me – the me that weighed 102 pounds sopping wet in my 20’s. And what’s really validating for me is that I don’t like it. I don’t want to be this thin. I want to be the healthy weight of 130 once treatment is over, as this seems to be where my body goes when all is well.
• And even though the side effects of the drugs stink, I’m Living! I play with my children. I spend time with my boy.
• And what’s really cool, is that I have found an even deeper sense of self worth/love over these past months. I was already on my way there before this all began, but making the decision to love and respect my body the way it deserves has been a profound thing for me.
• My reiki attunement in June changed my life. Truly. This in itself deserves another entry. I will just say that my ability to heal myself and my dear ones is phenomenal.
• My love for my family and friends, both extended and near, has deepened. I have been the recipient of so much love and support. I am completely blown away by the generosity of my fellow man.
• When I am healed, I am going on a serious quest to find out exactly what it is that I am to do with all of this new found beauty and knowledge.
• My path is showing itself to me and I am so excited!!
• I am married to the love of my life. I wake up every single day and look at him in wonder. How is it that after all of the stumbling around I did that I found this amazing man? His grace and unfailing love for me throughout all of this is epic. I am speechless most days, because how does one properly say thank you? He is truly an exceptional human being.  I hope that he will be able to go back and read these words and be reminded.
• My babies have kept me going.
• My big girl has grown into this person. She’s 4.5 at this writing.  She is strong willed, smart as a whip, and ALIVE! Thankfully she still needs her mamma’s hugs and love. I think that it is safe to say that we have formed an even stronger bond over the past year. She is a caretaker too, and thrives on helping me do things – she’ll fetch a diaper for R, or even get me a glass of water. As of late; she wakes up and makes herself some toast and grabs some milk – all without waking us up.  I am in awe.
• My baby girl is now 2. The past year has brought stressful moments regarding her health and development. I worry about her, but we are dealing with her particular issues as they arrise. Her personality is huge! And she too is ALIVE! She smiles more than any kid I’ve ever met, and loves her Daddy with a fierceness that I hope will not ever go away. I just taught her to sign ‘I Love You’, and she slays me when she signs it. So sweet, that baby of mine.
• Watching them grow is akin to watching clay turn into a pot as the wheel turns. The evolution is pretty damn impressive, and I am so honored to be able to bear witness.