Dóchas

I took my second dose of Procrit a week ago, hoping with all of my might that it would get in there and do its thing. I can’t say that I’ve enjoyed injecting this drug into my beleaguered  body. The side effects run through my mind as I push down the plunger and I feel it burn its way through my system. It’s an extremely unpleasant drug to inject!

After last week’s injection of the Procrit; I sat on the sofa, feeling the now familiar exhaustion that it seems to bring (immediately!), and I felt a sense of unease. I try really hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay; but last Friday, I felt a twinge of fear deep in my gut.

Saturday I woke up with the usual aches and pains. So I took the usual drugs to help myself feel better, and I went about my day. Around 1:00 in the afternoon I started to feel this unusual pain in the back of my calf. Not the usual myalgia I’m used to; but something really different. I tried not to panic as thoughts of the possibility of deep vein thrombosis went through my head. There’s this huge warning on the box the drug comes in.

I did some yoga hoping that stretching my legs out would make it go away. It didn’t work. At this point I begin to panic. I called my wonderful mother-in-law, knowing that talking about what was going on logically with her would help me stay grounded. She agreed that it was something to be concerned about. It was decided that I should call my insurance company’s 24 hour nurse, if not just to just alleviate my anxiety. The nurse didn’t really tell me anything that I hadn’t already found on the internet….and I didn’t hang up feeling much better. I put a call into the hematologist on-call number; not sure now if I should get myself into the emergency room.

In the mean time, I pushed tons of water and took an anti-anxiety pill.  I continued to just walk about my house, and slowly but surely, the pain started to go away. By the time the doc called, I was feeling a bit silly and histrionic. Had I just psyched myself into experiencing a psychosomatic side effect? The doctor assured me that calling him was the right thing to do. He asked a bunch of questions, and assessed that my potassium was most likely really low, and it was a cramp. Ok. I like that much better than a DVT! Thankfully I had an appointment with the hematologist the next day.

I went in to see him pretty much resolved to discontinue the Procrit. Psychologically alone; it has not been a good thing for me. If I can’t take a drug without worrying constantly about the side effects, then I don’t need to be on it. There have to be other options to help my RBC.

The blood doctor agreed that I should go off of the Procrit immediately. They take deep vein thrombosis seriously! It kills people every day. He gave me a shot of B12 and a script for potassium (which was indeed quite low), and told me to add iron to my regimen. Not sure about taking the iron; I’m waiting to see my GI before I do that.

My neutrophils and my wbc tanked in the two weeks since I had been there. On 3/19, my wbc was 3.4 and my neutrophils were 2.24. On 3/30, my wbc was 2.3 and my neutrophils were 1.31. This is not a good trend, as this seems to be what has been going on since last June or so. He wants to draw labs once a week for the next two weeks, and then I will see him again on the 20th.

And it turns out that this up and down thing is hard on the body. He said that if my wbc and my neutrophils continue to behave this way, that he wants to do a bone marrow biopsy. It’s the only way that he can get a clear picture of how much damage the interferon has done to my marrow. I think that I checked out a bit when he said that. One of those hearing white noise, watching people’s lips move, and not hearing a word that they say moments. Not good.

There is just no way that I will allow them to perform this horrible and painful invasive procedure on me! Especially when we know that its the drugs that are doing this to me. AND, why would we do this now when my body is so tired and immune suppressed? I’d rather quit treatment than put myself through something like that.

And then he informed me that my thyroid has also jumped ship. I’m now in a hyperthyroid state (the skinny, crazy kind) from the Interferon. He took more blood to do an in depth thyroid panel – and if the news is bad, then off to an endocrinologist I go.

Shit. I was already freaked out with the word biopsy floating around the room, but this news broke me a bit. My sister has thyroid disease. I have watched her suffer ALL OF HER LIFE with her thyroid. My grandmother has thyroid disease, and my mother has just been diagnosed with it as well. Yup, my family single handedly keeps the makers of synthroid in business.

I left, trying not to cry in the middle of his office. And then I drove home screaming and crying at the sheer frustration of it all. I try so hard to stay positive. So very hard. But for some reason, on this day, this news was just too much.

I’m weary. My family is weary. And I’m starting to wonder if prolonging my treatment is the right choice.

By the time I got home (and calmed down a bit), I had decided that this is where I draw my line in the sand.  If my appointment with the cardiologist went poorly, then I was going to call my GI doc and say this is it. I’m done. No use in killing myself while trying to kill this damn virus.

I had my cardio appointment yesterday and all seems to be well. Of course I won’t know the exact results until the 20th, but the techs both assured me that if there had been an obvious problem, that I would not be allowed to leave their office. Needless to say, I left.

Is it so wrong that I just kind of want to lie down and sleep for a week or so?  But no. I can’t.  I look at my sweet babies and my beloved boy. And I keep telling myself that I will find that reservoir of strength again. I just need to rest a bit and allow myself to work through these feelings. The silver lining is there. I just need to breathe and look a bit harder.

Tonight I inject shot 53. Wish me luck,eh?